Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
You Might Also Like
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.