Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
You Might Also Like
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.