*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
won’t smith
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality