wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
the dark web is just a goth google.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?