Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I am having an out of money experience.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby