Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Jupiter
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice