“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Some people were born into their job.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.