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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling