What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.