If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
There are no pants in heaven.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop