Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too