If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
How funny!
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?