asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.