[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
ouch
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.