Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Education is vital
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice