[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you