Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost