when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
*offers Batman cough drops*
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”