Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Two types of dogs.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.