Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
You Might Also Like
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?