Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
You Might Also Like
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
every single time
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
That took me a moment.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.