HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.