“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Come back with a warrant
back to work
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.