Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnĂłs” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…