When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.