Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that鈥檚 an inmate.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I鈥檓 allowed to correct someone鈥檚 grammar.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
鈥淚T’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I鈥檝e watched this 17,467 times
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they鈥檙e for yardwork
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 馃グ
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you鈥檙e qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you鈥檙e self-employed.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you鈥檒l have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high