Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
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Morningbreath
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One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection