Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.