I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
That 👊
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
When your man makes a valid point
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order