My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken