Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact