Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”