When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words