I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
The first matador
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*