My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m being attacked 😭
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
he’s sick of your bullshit today
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.