Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.