My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Trumpy Cat
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.