Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Breaking news:
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.