I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Worth remembering.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND