Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*