I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Story of my life…..
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?