Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled