Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
A choir of Spring onions
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
me, too, girl. me, too.