[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
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I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock