WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
called in thicc to work this morning
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.