Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m listening
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.