I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner