It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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I bet birds love this building.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes