And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
are there any atheist mantises?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS