It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
knights of the ikea table
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that